Moving -- somewhere.

From Valska: Moving on. How do we know when we have moved on? When we stop thinking of that person? When we stop feeling the pain? When we stop loving them?

(1) Have I stopped thinking about him?

Have stopped checking up on his online times (read: at home and not out with the woman), for 2 days in a row now. Major OCD, considering that used to do it every half hour or so. And then it got less frequent, and just stopped, not by a conscious effort to end the obsession, but simply out of lack of interest. (Yes, I know I sound like a stalker. And you don't have to go on reading the rest of this entry if it offends you.)

Don't really think about the "happier days", which just seem so far away and unreal. Don't doubt that had been truly happy and in love, but when I try to reminisce consciously, the memories just don't come easily -- not because can't remember, just not motivated enough to remember.

Sure, certain things do trigger thoughts of him. E.g. When the latest copy of Torque came in, remembered to put it away to pass to him sometime. But it was more of a reflex, to do something for someone. More of a reminder.

Do I still miss him as a boyfriend? Ah, nooo... As a friend? Actually, no either. Maybe as a 24-hour tech support. Yeah, heh. That, definitely.

(2) Has the pain ended?

What pain? (Bearing in mind, of course, that E thinks I am still in denial. Don't know.) Guess it's just so unreal, when you think about the 6 years, and that it only officially ended 3 weeks ago. Or maybe just have to see something really traumatic, like him and the woman, together. Yeah, that could be an OUCH.

(3) Have I stopped loving him?

Am certainly not *in* love anymore. Don't know about "loving" him -- perhaps in a detached way, looking back on the past sort of way? Have tried to bring to mind his face, but the first visual that popped up (not exactly a conscious choice, mind you) was that of his brooding face, squishy eyes, dark shadows beneath, pursed lips, hardly attractive; not the open and happy and adorable face I know so well. *shrug* It's weird for me too.

(4) Have I moved on?

Move on to what? What do they really mean when they tell you to "move on"? Do people move on "forward", to look past what has happened, to learn from their experiences and then to look toward what the rest of life has in store? Or do some people really just root themselves to the spot, thinking it good enough that they have put on blinkers to block out the pain, and can continue to eat, breathe and sleep , until something or someone comes to bring them "forward"?

I know I have my friends to thank for pulling me out of the bog of my despair, and maybe they have also brought me "forward", in their own ways, some more quirky than others. Maybe that's why am OK now? Don't know -- is there a minimum mourning period?

Life is back to the dailies for me -- though am frightfully restless. Having to catch up with 6 weeks' worth of backlog at work is really tough, but doable.

Pigged out on KFC crispy chicken and cheese fries (Yeah, they're back!) while surfing and watching Sex and the City on Wednesday night. Then lay in bed, reading a book, drifting in and out of sleep, until R called just to chat. Went to bed after.

Don't know if this means am just rooted or have moved on "forward". Maybe I have, but the step "forward" is probably just not obvious to my one-dimensional mind.

Am alone now -- but am not afraid.